Some Of The Best Tommy Cooper Jokes
Following on from my unveiling of the Tommy Cooper statue in Caerphilly, Wales story, just thought I’d post some of my favorite Cooper jokes and one-liners:
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.
Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other one says ‘So are you!’
So that was nice.’ A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’
Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Phone answering machine message - ‘…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’
‘Doc I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ”Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”No, because he’s really heavy’
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind’ ,
so he gave me a kite.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house’. He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, ‘what seems to be the problem?’ I said ‘you have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf.’
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: ‘What do you want’, I said, ‘I want to stay here’. She said, ‘Well stay there’ and shut the window.
So I went to the dentist. He said, ‘Say Aaah. ‘I said, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘My dog’s died.’
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March 23rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
That is a great post. I’ve always been a sucker for one liners. Gotta share with my friends.
April 2nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Fish without eyes is real logical teaser. I liked the whiskey diet one too…
April 14th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post.
I love Tommy Cooper. It’s always great to read about him and revisit his daft since of humor. These one liners will have me giggling away to myself for the day
Thanks!
June 19th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Great post. I had a good laugh. Saved my day. I gonna tell my friends about it.
Daniel
June 19th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Glad you enjoyed.
Can’t beat a bit of Classic Cooper..